Happy 2nd Anniversary to Us!!

Corey and I have been married two years today!! I wish I could look back and say that was a wonderful, blissful second year of marriage, but it wasn't. It was sad, difficult and exhausting, but God did provide a few blessings for us. We got to meet and hold Gracie, which I am so thankful for. Also, He provided us with a house that we continue to just love each day we are here. We found out I was pregnant right after our one year anniversary celebration and we were so excited. I remember thinking next year for our anniversary we will have a baby to celebrate with and slowly the dreams and excitement were taken away as we started seeing the doctor. God gave me the most wonderful husband, who never faltered in his faith in God and love for me in this last year. He has such a quiet strength about him that was so needed this last year. I am so thankful to God for allowing me to be his wife. We have been through the hardest thing a newly married couple could go through and it only brought us closer together and made our love for each other stronger. Corey is and continues to become my best friend, whom I love more each day. I love doing life with him. I pray that this next year will be a year of happiness and fun for us!!! It sounds superficial but honestly it would be nice. Thank you, God, for all your blessings that you have given us and continue to give us.

 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-13 ESV)

Happy Anniversary, Corey! I love you!

Happy? Mother's Day

Mother's Day was not as a happy as it should've been. I was wishing for Gracie to be here with us and to be selfish, celebrate me. I like to think she was celebrating up Heaven. I was so blessed to be her mommy for that short time here on earth. Thank you all to you wished me Happy Mother's Day and shared with me. You all made unbearable day more bearable. We happened to spend the whole day in the car driving back to Oregon after a quick trip to see Corey's sister graduate from college. It was an good way to spend the majority of the day. Corey and I spent a little bit of time looking at her pictures throughout the pregnancy and after she was delivered in the evening, which was a sweet time of remembering and reflecting on what we went through. I pray that all who have lost a child were able to find comfort in our Heavenly Father and that you were felt loved and blessed on Mother's Day. I continue to miss and think of Gracie daily. Please continue to pray for our healing! 

I ran across a few helpful things and some sweet things were shared with me. I would really like to share them with you, in case you have friends or family go through something similar or you as reader are going through a loss of a child.

The following is from this website...such a sweet letter...get the tissue:

http://caitlinmorgan.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/for-the-mother-that-thinks-she-isnt

Dearest lovely girl,

Although this Mother’s Day is creeping into your wounded heart right about now, I want to say Happy Mother’s Day anyway. Not because I want to erase your pain, but because I want you to see the beauty in your pain. The beauty is simple, that at one time or another you held life within you.

You, sweet, lovely, full of flaws and quirks; of pain and joy, YOU held a small life within you.

It could have been a life in your dreams that never came to be, it could have been a life that you had growing in you for just a few short weeks, it could be a life that you gave birth to and held, that you rocked and fed and cared for that was taken from the earth and from you far too soon. But YOU held that life. You held it tenderly with love and hope. You prayed for that life.

You loved that life, most likely for some, before it ever came to be. You loved that life, most likely for some, that NEVER came to be.

So I want to say Happy Mother’s Day.

To you who dreamed for a child but it hasn’t come true.

To you who dreamed for a child but it was answered in an unexpected way.

To you who dreamed of the child you knew of for only a few short weeks in your womb.

To you who gave your baby up for adoption

To you who grew a baby only to lose it a short time after they were born.

To you who raised a child only to lose them to an addiction or an accident.

To you who won’t be told Happy Mother’s Day this Sunday because there is no little child clinging to your hand but there is certainly one clinging to your heart.

Every baby counts, even the one you dreamed about. The one you prayed for that isn’t here, they are still your child, and you are still their mother. You still cared tenderly for that very dream, that life you hoped and prayed for and covered with love even before you knew them.

The mother whose baby, or dream of, has been lost, ripped, changed, paused or taken from them. To you, this weekend, I say Happy Mother’s Day.

No one else may see a baby, but your heart does. And my heart sees your baby,too. So even with one less baby here on earth or one less baby here in your arms, the one in your heart wants to tell you…

Happy Mother’s Day.

I shared this on Facebook, but thought I would share it with my non-Facebook friends and family:

Trisomy 18 Foundation: Helping Loved Ones Cope with Mother's Day

Very helpful and information for those who know someone who has lost a child:

http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/how-to-help-your-grieving-friend/

 

It is so helpful to have people out there going through or have gone through something similar and have these words put on their heart to share. I wish there wasn't, but God didn't promise a life without heartache and pain.

Finding my direction, with God's leading

On March 14, after being back at work for a week and half, my boss came into my office and told me that I was being laid off due to budget cuts and today, March 30, is my last day. This is bittersweet, because sweet, I didn't really enjoy this job and bitter, it paid very well and had great hours. The location I was at was actually closing next year, so I knew the end of this job was at some point, but was surprised for such an early departure. I was also a bit discouraged at first with the news because I just got back and prepared my heart for coming back to work. It was also turning out to be good for me to get out of the house and having a purpose for each day. So, it leaves me back to job hunting. Praying I find something with more people around and more of an exciting job.

Today is also 3 months since Gracie was born. I can't believe it has been 3 months already. It tends to feel like just yesterday and at the sametime too long ago. I miss her and long to know more of her. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of her.

I am curious to see God's plan for me in this next season. I have been going through lots of changes and life altering events. God is good and He provides. He knows where I am headed and I am not to worry about tomorrow.

A few things that were shared and that I have read lately, that seem fitting for where I at in my life.

A verse my sister texted me:
"Lord when doubt fills my mind, when my heart is in turmoil, quiet me and give me renewed hope and cheer!" Psalm 94:19 

From http://www.girltalkhome.com/:
"What if, sometimes, there are mists and fogs so thick that I cannot see the path? ‘Tis enough that You hold my hand, and guide me in the darkness; for walking with You in the gloom–is far sweeter and safer than walking alone in the sunlight!
Dear Lord, give me grace to trust You wholly, whatever may befall; yielding myself up to Your leading, and leaning hard on You when “dangers are in the path.” Your way for me has been marked out from all eternity, and it leads directly to Yourself and home!"
~Susannah Spurgeon

Two Months

Two months have already gone by since I gave birth to the most beautiful tiny baby girl, and who had already made her journey to Heaven. I have a feeling for the first year at least I will feel life has a bit of a pause on the 30th. I miss her so much and often think about what life would be like with her still with us. I know it would be great and she would be one spoiled little baby.

I started work today. Mixed feelings regarding being back at work. One feeling is that it is good to be back to a routine, get out of the house and wake up with a purpose for the day. Another feeling, is sadness that my life is going back to as it was before Gracie, with no change. I am not worried about whether to work or not. I am not worried about finding childcare if needed. I am wishing for those worries. My desire is to be a stay at home mom, and this going back to work is another realization that Gracie isn't with us here.

I had a few comments from some regarding my smiling in the pictures from the hospital and they can't believe it. I just want to share what was going through my head and heart in case others noticed. Believe me my heart was broken, but God was in that room that day. I felt an indescrible joy and peace that day. I think those in the room would probably say the same. I believe that with all the prayers and our faith in choosing life for Gracie against all the odds, that God met us there and He had His arms wrapped around Corey and I and the rest of the family and friends with us at the hospital. I loved being able to get the chance to hold her and share her with others, even though it is not how I wanted it to be. When we walk with Christ, we are often asked to do things that we don't want to do. God knows what is best for us and He will bless us when we choose to do the hard stuff in life and follow Him. I pray that any mother and father facing grim results for their baby, that they will choose life for that baby. Corey and I were beyond blessed and taken care of through the pregnancy and after her birth. I am so grateful God gave me and Corey the strength and courage to choose life for Gracie. The time with her was so sweet, sad, and difficult, but that sweet feeling stands out to me the most.

Below is a verse that I came across the other day, which is what I desire to do with what we have been through with Gracie. I hope we are given opportunities to comfort others going through similiar experiences and to be a light to the path of faithfulness.

 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 - Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.

Please continue to pray for our continued healing. Thank you!

Sharing is Caring

I just finished a really good book. I felt like I was reading what was in my head and heart throughout the book. It is a beautiful heart wrenching description of what it feels like to lose a child. The author had very encouraging words on how to heal and grieve. It was called, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith. Recommended to any one who has lost a baby or even knows someone. 

I wanted to share with you some things we did to remember Gracie, in case you are going through what we did or know someone. I joined a Trisomy 18 website where I found this information from mothers who walked this road before us. There is a organization called, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, where a volunteer photographer will come to the hospital to take professional pictures of your baby at no cost. We actually used a friend of our realtors and she use to volunteer for them. The grandmothers purchased an extra of her outfit and blanket, so we have a keepsake of what she was buried in. A family friend got this for me, but it was on my list to get, was a mold to do hand and footprints in and it came with a frame for a picture to put next to the mold. So precious. I also, thanks to my sweet husband, purchased a ring with her birthstone to always wear and have close to my heart. I hope these ideas help someone, as they have helped me thus far and I am sure will continue.
A quote I read this last weekend, on www.girltalkhome.com, titled When We Cannot Trace Him, "Our times are in God's hands; it is well they are so. Believers are not to expect great wealth, long life, or to be free from trials. But all will be ordered for the best. And remark from Job's history, that steadiness of mind and heart under trial, is one of the highest attainments of faith. There is little exercise for faith when all things go well. But if God raises a storm, permits the enemy to send wave after wave, and seemingly stands aloof from our prayers, then, still to hang on and trust God, when we cannot trace him, this is the patience of the saints. Blessed Saviour! how sweet it is to look unto thee, the Author and Finisher of faith, in such moments!" ~Matthew Henry I have just found some comfort and wisdom in this, and wanted to share.
Corey and I were able to get away for a few days this last weekend. We were unable to make it to Victoria due to lack of documentation for my husband. Misunderstanding of the information given to us of what we needed. Oh, well, it happens. We ended up just staying in Seattle and had a wonderful relaxing weekend. We had brunch at the Space Needle one day, which we both would highly recommend. It was so wonderful just to be able to get away just the two of us and have fun exploring the city. We got hooked on this show on Discovery called Gold Rush, which I found on Netflix, so we have started watching that. Crazy guys digging for gold. Nice to enjoy silly things like that together.

Today was Gracie estimated due date and yesterday was one month since I delivered her. Time is moving on. I am on maternity leave till the end of February, which has been really nice to rest and do things around the house I wasn't able to do towards the end of the pregnancy. Corey and I are also going to go on a little getaway to Victoria, BC and make a trip to California. We are taking advantage of the time off I have.

The time off though is sad at the same time, because of the reason I am off, but there is no baby to take care of. I should be losing sleep, not getting more sleep. I have started to work out to get in shape after being pregnant, but I have no baby to show for the weight I gained and trying to lose. I think of all the things I should be doing during this time at home, but I am not. I know that I had a baby and I was pregnant for 8 months, but at times it almost feels like it didn't happen. All I have physically to show is pictures. In my heart and mind though, I still see her and feel her in my arms. I hang on to that closely. Her sweet face will always be in the forefront of my mind and heart. Grieving is a process with many emotions and thoughts I am finding. I miss Gracie so much and I think of her every second of the day. Corey and I are doing well considering, and have faith that is stronger than ever. This journey happened for a reason and have already seen Gracie's life used in other people's lives to bring them closer to God. I pray that our journey will continue to be used for His glory.

Encouraging verses I have had shared with me and read:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!.” Psalm 37:3-7

Please continue to pray for our continued healing of the loss of Gracie Ann and for our future family. God has been so faithful and I know He will continue to be. A friend who has lost her baby the day after Gracie was delivered has said, "We got taste of a motherhood and it was so sweet." We can't wait to get more of that feeling. You all have been a huge support during this time. We are so very thankful for our friends and family!

Here are some pictures of Gracie Ann:

My parents, Grandpa and Granny

Corey's parents, Grandpa and Nana

My sister, Auntie Betsy

Uncle Cameron and Auntie Betsy

My mom, Granny

Daddy's hand

Poem for Gracie - By Grandpa Steve Darlington

A week ago today we laid Gracie Ann to rest, and it was such sweet sorrow. With family, our friend Erik did such a sweet burial service for her. It has been one of the hardest things to do through this journey, watching our little baby being lowered into the ground. John 16:33 - I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” One of my favorite verses and one that reminds me that God has plan for us and that He is with us through the pain and sorrow.

Last Saturday, we had a memorial service for Gracie and again our friend Erik did a beautiful service for her. As hard as doing these cermonies for when someone passes, I am so glad we did them. It was time of closure and hope in reminding us that Gracie is with Jesus and we will all meet her again someday. Also, a time to honor Gracie's life, short lived, but one that will impact us and many others for a lifetime. My dad surprised me by reading a poem that he wrote for her. A beautiful poem that I will treasure for as long as I live. I would like to share it with you all, his permission was granted.

Gracie Ann Kukis

Gracie Ann a name so sweet

For a life so short,

But not ours to ask why.

But ours to love for a lifetime.

Gracie Ann loved into this world,

By parents that loved you so,

And trusted in God without fear

To bring you into this world for a time so dear.

Gracie Ann who will be missed for a lifetime

By a father that you would have adored

As he shared with you a faith in Jesus

So strong you could not resist.

Gracie Ann in you, we would see your mothers

Love come through in your beauty,

A beauty that would radiate from the inside out

Displayed in your pretty manners and love for life.

Gracie Ann the countless hours you would have

Spent with Granny Laura sharing

her love for plays, movies and books,

Especially her love for Charlotte's Web. 

Gracie Ann your time spent with Nana Kukis,

Would be filled with learning a love for gardening,

And of course a love for games, hours I am sure

would be spent under the shade playing Candyland. 

Gracie Ann your love for music would come from

Your Grandpa Pete, who would do patio concerts

Just for you with his banjo and other instruments.

I am sure a "Jesus Loves Me" would be included.

Gracie Ann from your Grandpa Steve you would

Have to put up with hours of silly jokes,

But we would love watching the world pass us by without

taking it all too seriously.

Gracie Ann family would mean so much to you,

You would have many "favorite" aunties and uncles,

Great grandparents, cousins, and friends. 

Gatherings for all occasions would be treasures for a lifetime.

Gracie Ann the One who knitted you in your mothers womb,

Has called you home all to soon, but we all know you will be

There waiting for each of us as we make our journies home,

where we will find you resting in His arms. 

Cross references:

1. John 16:33 : See John 14:27; Col. 3:15
2. John 16:33 : [John 15:18-21]
3. John 16:33 : Rev. 1:9; See Acts 14:22
4. John 16:33 : John 14:1, 27
5. John 16:33 : [Rom. 8:37; 1 John 4:4; 5:4, 5; Rev. 3:21; 12:11]

Here are few pictures I would like to share with you that the photographer got to me for the memorial service. I can't wait to see the rest.

Gracie Ann

Gracie's sweet foot, with our wedding rings and a braclet my mom got for me