Today was Gracie estimated due date and yesterday was one month since I delivered her. Time is moving on. I am on maternity leave till the end of February, which has been really nice to rest and do things around the house I wasn't able to do towards the end of the pregnancy. Corey and I are also going to go on a little getaway to Victoria, BC and make a trip to California. We are taking advantage of the time off I have.

The time off though is sad at the same time, because of the reason I am off, but there is no baby to take care of. I should be losing sleep, not getting more sleep. I have started to work out to get in shape after being pregnant, but I have no baby to show for the weight I gained and trying to lose. I think of all the things I should be doing during this time at home, but I am not. I know that I had a baby and I was pregnant for 8 months, but at times it almost feels like it didn't happen. All I have physically to show is pictures. In my heart and mind though, I still see her and feel her in my arms. I hang on to that closely. Her sweet face will always be in the forefront of my mind and heart. Grieving is a process with many emotions and thoughts I am finding. I miss Gracie so much and I think of her every second of the day. Corey and I are doing well considering, and have faith that is stronger than ever. This journey happened for a reason and have already seen Gracie's life used in other people's lives to bring them closer to God. I pray that our journey will continue to be used for His glory.

Encouraging verses I have had shared with me and read:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!.” Psalm 37:3-7

Please continue to pray for our continued healing of the loss of Gracie Ann and for our future family. God has been so faithful and I know He will continue to be. A friend who has lost her baby the day after Gracie was delivered has said, "We got taste of a motherhood and it was so sweet." We can't wait to get more of that feeling. You all have been a huge support during this time. We are so very thankful for our friends and family!

Here are some pictures of Gracie Ann:

My parents, Grandpa and Granny

Corey's parents, Grandpa and Nana

My sister, Auntie Betsy

Uncle Cameron and Auntie Betsy

My mom, Granny

Daddy's hand

Poem for Gracie - By Grandpa Steve Darlington

A week ago today we laid Gracie Ann to rest, and it was such sweet sorrow. With family, our friend Erik did such a sweet burial service for her. It has been one of the hardest things to do through this journey, watching our little baby being lowered into the ground. John 16:33 - I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” One of my favorite verses and one that reminds me that God has plan for us and that He is with us through the pain and sorrow.

Last Saturday, we had a memorial service for Gracie and again our friend Erik did a beautiful service for her. As hard as doing these cermonies for when someone passes, I am so glad we did them. It was time of closure and hope in reminding us that Gracie is with Jesus and we will all meet her again someday. Also, a time to honor Gracie's life, short lived, but one that will impact us and many others for a lifetime. My dad surprised me by reading a poem that he wrote for her. A beautiful poem that I will treasure for as long as I live. I would like to share it with you all, his permission was granted.

Gracie Ann Kukis

Gracie Ann a name so sweet

For a life so short,

But not ours to ask why.

But ours to love for a lifetime.

Gracie Ann loved into this world,

By parents that loved you so,

And trusted in God without fear

To bring you into this world for a time so dear.

Gracie Ann who will be missed for a lifetime

By a father that you would have adored

As he shared with you a faith in Jesus

So strong you could not resist.

Gracie Ann in you, we would see your mothers

Love come through in your beauty,

A beauty that would radiate from the inside out

Displayed in your pretty manners and love for life.

Gracie Ann the countless hours you would have

Spent with Granny Laura sharing

her love for plays, movies and books,

Especially her love for Charlotte's Web. 

Gracie Ann your time spent with Nana Kukis,

Would be filled with learning a love for gardening,

And of course a love for games, hours I am sure

would be spent under the shade playing Candyland. 

Gracie Ann your love for music would come from

Your Grandpa Pete, who would do patio concerts

Just for you with his banjo and other instruments.

I am sure a "Jesus Loves Me" would be included.

Gracie Ann from your Grandpa Steve you would

Have to put up with hours of silly jokes,

But we would love watching the world pass us by without

taking it all too seriously.

Gracie Ann family would mean so much to you,

You would have many "favorite" aunties and uncles,

Great grandparents, cousins, and friends. 

Gatherings for all occasions would be treasures for a lifetime.

Gracie Ann the One who knitted you in your mothers womb,

Has called you home all to soon, but we all know you will be

There waiting for each of us as we make our journies home,

where we will find you resting in His arms. 

Cross references:

1. John 16:33 : See John 14:27; Col. 3:15
2. John 16:33 : [John 15:18-21]
3. John 16:33 : Rev. 1:9; See Acts 14:22
4. John 16:33 : John 14:1, 27
5. John 16:33 : [Rom. 8:37; 1 John 4:4; 5:4, 5; Rev. 3:21; 12:11]

Here are few pictures I would like to share with you that the photographer got to me for the memorial service. I can't wait to see the rest.

Gracie Ann

Gracie's sweet foot, with our wedding rings and a braclet my mom got for me

Gracie Ann's Birth Story

On December 23, 2011, I actually called into the doctor's office because I hadn't felt any movement from Gracie all week and my rash was getting unbearable. I waited a week because I could go a day or two without feeling her. They had me come in right away, and surprised I waited that long. As soon as I arrived , they hooked me up to the heartbeat machine and Corey and I heard the heartbeat. Gracie's heartbeat was normal. What a relief! The doctor also had me tested for some liver thing that causes itchiness, which I never did find out the results of that. My rash has healed though!!


Corey and I went on to enjoy Christmas with my parents. I had a fun birthday of shopping. Still no movement from Gracie. 


On December 29, 2011, I had routine appointment with a new doctor at 10:30am, since mine was on vacation that week. Corey had been working from home that week and decided to take me to my appointment, which I am so thankful he did. The doctor came in and asked if I had any concerns. I told her how I was still feeling no movement from Gracie and how I came in last week, in which she decided to check the heartbeat first thing. The doctor searched all around my tummy and couldn't find a heartbeat. Corey and I just started crying. The doctor was very sympathetic, and wanted to do an ultrasound to see for sure, which confirmed no heartbeat. The doctor immediately started going over the plan of what was to happen next. The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound over at the high risk place to get size of baby, because Gracie was breeched and the size would determine the delivery plan and the appointment wasn't till 12:20pm. This gave Corey and I time to go home and grab stuff for a stay at the hospital. Also, to call his parents who would need to begin their travels. We went home, packed a bag and did some things around the house to get ready to house more family with the help of my parents. We then all headed back to the doctors. I had my ultrasound, which then again confirmed no heartbeat. Gracie was measuring about 3lbs. 6 ounces, which is rough estimate and found that to be true later. The nurse printed a few pictures for me from the ultrasound, which I am glad to have. We then went back to doctor to continue to go over plan and because of Gracie's size I would be able to deliver naturally and they wouldn't need to try to turn her around. Praise God! Here is some numbers of where I was at in the pregnancy at this time...I was 35 weeks pregnant, measuring 46 1/2 weeks and Gracie was measuring about 29 weeks. 


I think it was about 1:30pm by the time we got over to the hospital to get checked in and to start being induced. All family that was coming were on their way to Oregon by this time or had flights scheduled for that evening. I was getting nervous about this whole process. First, I have never stayed in the hospital before and second, wasn't sure what to expect with delivering a baby and one that wasn't alive at that. I had lots going on in my head at this point, but remained calmed. God was with us. I was induced with this stuff that started with a "m", but it wasn't working, so nothing was really happening throughout the evening and night. We had to wait till the doctor came in the morning to figure out what to do next. It was a long night in a very uncomfortable bed! 


Friday, December 30, 2011...I am not sure of timing for this day, but the doctor came in and wanted to try this balloon thing to make me dilated, which wasn't working. She ended up deciding to break my water, and this was a huge amount of water. It kept coming and coming. What a mess it was!! My stomach instantly went down, which was crazy. I went ahead and got the epidural before they started pitocin. As soon as the pitocin started going then things started moving. I dilated fairly quickly. I felt some of those contractions and it was painful. Epidural increase, please. Thank you! The doctor came back in and said the contractions will get better once we start pushing. Gracie had also flipped at some time during the water breaking and contractions, so she was coming out head first. After 3 pushes, Gracie was delivered at 4:30pm. The doctor was so sweet in describing how she looked because I was so nervous about seeing her. It was hard to see her but at the same time I was so happy to meet her. The nurse wrapped her up, put a hat on her and handed her to me. Gracie was so tiny and it barely felt like I was holding anything. As soon as she was born, I felt like 30 bricks were lifted off my shoulders. I had no more worries and fears about when and how this was all going to play out. I just felt an immense amount of love for her. Gracie was in heaven with no pain and no suffering, which gave me so much peace. As much as I wanted to see her alive, I knew she was in a much better place. After Corey and I had some time alone with her, we had the family come in to meet her. It was a sweet time filled with tears of sadness and joy at the same time. I had a few friends there also, who then came in to meet her. All got to hold her if they wanted. I felt like a proud mommy showing off Gracie. I had met with a photographer earlier in my pregnancy who was coming in to take pictures of Gracie and she arrived an hour or so after Gracie arrived. I am so glad I did that. I was able to get a few pictures for the memorial service and they are so beautiful!!


We spent 4 1/2 hours with Gracie and it will be 4 1/2 hours we will cherish for the rest of our life. Corey and I are brokenhearted, but have found peace in knowing our baby girl is safe in the arms of Jesus. Please continue to pray for us as we mourn, grieve and to begin to heal. God has been so faithful to us during my pregnancy and we know and trust that He will continue to be. 


Thank you for your prayers during my pregnancy and delivery of Gracie. They were needed and felt! We truly could not have done this without our Lord and Savior and the support from family and friends. 


Psalm 139:13-16

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am
fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not
hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes
saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for
me, when as yet there was none of them.

Memorial Service for Gracie Ann - in California

Corey and I will be having Gracie Ann buried in California, where she will be buried with some of Corey's family. We are starting our journey to California tomorrow and arrive in Sacramento on Thursday and are having a small family burial service for Gracie on Thursday when we arrive. Please be in prayer for our travels to California!


Corey and I would like to invite you to the Memorial Service for Gracie Ann
Saturday, January 7, 2011
2:00pm
The Bridge Community Church
511 Sibley St.
Folsom, CA 
Dessert reception to follow