10 years in Heaven

10 years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful angel. 

December 30, 2011 feels like yesterday and at times does feel like 10 years ago. I wish Gracie was here with us but also feel so honored that God chose Corey and I to be her parents for her short time here on Earth. It was not a easy road to carry her and then say goodbye to her Earth side. When I look back at that day and the months before I see how God was there through it all. I wanted a miracle of course. I wanted to hear her cry and to feel her heartbeat. I also didn't want her to feel pain so for her to have already made it to Heaven before leaving me was an answer to prayer.  I felt and still feel so much peace that she was born into the arms of Jesus.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

10 years without her but God has blessed us immeasurably. As I type this our house is filled with 4 boys running around and causing chaos. I love being a mom to them. And Gracie lives in my heart always. I think of her daily. I have reminders of her around our house. Now that the boys are older I share her with them. The boys know they have a sister named Gracie in Heaven. 

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

Today my dear friend Kristen and her daughter, Avery (who shares a birthday month/year with my sweet Gracie) went to visit Gracie's gravesite for me and brought her flowers and a birthday balloon. Gracie is buried in California. I am so thankful for them to go visit her on her 10th birthday in Heaven. We have been so blessed by our family and friends. Here are few pictures she shared with me that I would love to share with you:

Her stone says Born into the arms of Jesus, Gracie Ann Kukis
December 30, 2011, Our baby girl, Psalm 139:13-16

Happy 9th Birthday in Heaven, Gracie Ann!

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wish she was here doing girly things with. I miss her. I am sad she isn't here. 

I remember so clearly hearing, It's a Boy, with each pregnancy after and to be honest my heart sank a little. I wanted a girl. I always envisioned my self raising a little girl. It isn't that I am not thankful or blessed with each one of these healthy big boys God has given to me. I just love all girl things so much and looked forward to sharing in that with a daughter. There has been times when I find myself praying and upset with God about not giving me what I desired and taking the only the girl I will carry away. It feels unfair, and at the same time knowing He has filled my life with 4 sweet wild healthy boys, which makes me thankful beyond measure. I am reminded He has never forsaken me when I look at them. I am still doing what I feel called to do and that is be a mom. It is baffling sometimes to have these mixed emotions, but I am learning that is how grief works.  Grief is a roller coaster, lots of ups and downs. 

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

As believers in Christ we are called to be thankful in all circumstances, not just thankful in situations that we enjoy, but also in the hard situations. 

I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. Psalm 9:1

Corey and I went through a sad and difficult time with losing Gracie. Our faith in God helped us to find joy, peace and the ability to move forward. I think I have said this in every post but I am forever thankful to our family and friends who prayed and encouraged us in that season and continue to do so.

How very quietly you you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts. -Dorthy Ferguson

Our family will never feel complete to me here, not until we are all together in Heaven. Until then, I will love on my boys, go on fun adventures, make memories even in the small things, and buy lots of bulk foods at Costco. 

2020 has been hard year for all of us in different ways. I pray that as this year comes to end that you will look back and find the blessings. Be thankful in these hard times. God is always with us and at times He is even carrying us through. 

Our first baby born into Heaven

Our sweet baby Gracie

Mother's love, you are in my heart baby girl.

Our family now. God is so good.

6 years...

Wow, six years ago my sweet Gracie went to Heaven before she could even take a breath here on Earth. I feel sad that time is getting further away from the moments of feeling her move the little she did inside me and from the time that I got to hold her in my arms. I sometimes feel sad that there are days I didn't think of her as often as other days. I also know that is okay. A part of healing from a loss of loved of. I know that it doesn't mean I don't love her any less. It just means that God has blessed Corey and I beyond measure and we have 3 little guys that have filled our hearts with more love and the pain is there but not in the fore front. 

December 29 and 30 will always be marked with pain, but there is happiness, love, and peace. Today I kept busy with running errands with Austin. Tonight I went to friends house and hung out, while Corey had a game night at our house. It was a good day. Gracie's birthday in Heaven was a good day here. 

Last month, Corey and I went to visit her grave site with the boys. First time we told them about their sister. I never knew how to bring her up. We do have photos of her around in the house, so I knew someday they would wonder about the pictures. I want them to know about her. She is their sister and our first baby. Praying that doors will be opened to share more about her with them. A plus, we can't share about Gracie, without sharing about Jesus!

Below are some pictures of Gracie. Also, one of us. God is good. Without Him, life would be hard to live. Our faith carries us. 

Tiny baby girl

Gracie Ann

Blessed

The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.[a]
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness[b]
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c]
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord
    forever.[g]

Do you know Jesus?

I write this out of love, out of obedience to my Lord and Savior, and out of fear. I don't speak up or speak out usually, but right now at 2am I feel very strongly that I can not be silence another second. I can't choose a life of faith and keep what is in my heart to myself. I love my friends and family too much for that. So continue reading or hit the X button. You choose.

In the last year, I have dealt with anxiety and mostly while driving. I was late to the driving world, didn't get my license till after my first year of college, maybe out of fear and have learned to be a confident driver. I actually really enjoy driving, but not lately. I have had a handful of panic attacks while driving alone and even with people in the car with me. It has been truly scary for me when it is happening. I have made it to my destination each time, except once, and you know I truly believe God took over and got me there. I would end up home or wherever I was headed shaken up, but I would arrive. With my heart racing and my body going numb, I would pray and I would sing worship songs as it was happening. I believe my faith got me home and I believe that is what gives me strength to keep getting in the car and not let fear of what could happen or if the next panic attack will happen. Although, I really could stop driving because at the same time the fear of the unknown or whatever happens in the moment feels so scary.

I lost my daughter. Gracie died inside of me and little bit of me died to, but my Father in Heaven is holding her and He has given me strength to move forward. He has given me the strength and courage to try again 3 times. The blessings have been overwhelming. My 3 sons, whom I love with all my heart, are walking testaments to my faith in the Lord. I was afraid of it happening again and who I am kidding I am afraid I could lose one of them still. I have felt His peace and joy. I was able to give birth to my stillborn daughter and hold her in my arms, show her off to my family and friends with a smile on my face. No way God was not present in those moments. He was there! I felt it. He got me through the hardest, heart shattering and sadest moment of my life. He has given me strength and courage to move forward and live my life. Read my journey on this blog.

This last year I have felt real fear though, as I mentioned above. Fear of driving and fear of what is in the news. This last Sunday's sermon was for me. It spoke to my heart and was a great reminder for myself, who has always believed in God. Psalm 27. I can't let my anxiety win if I am choosing to believe what is in Psalm 27. And I believe these words, refer below. Not going to lie, I have let my anxiety take over lately. Read the news. Sad and scary things happening. Again Psalm 27 I am believing. I do not need to be afraid. Jesus is coming! His word is truth. I am afraid though. I am afraid for my family and friends who do not believe in God. I am afraid for those that know His word but choose to not believe it. I am afraid for my Christian family and friends who have become accepting of things/lifestyles of this world, that are not of God, but seem to believe that these are okay. I am afraid to share this and be shamed for what I believe. But Jesus is coming. I can't be silent. I believe in Psalm 27. I do not need to be afraid.

Earthquakes, hurricanes, flooding...scary stuff. These scare me. This week, I am reminded of what I believe. Psalm 27. I was reading comments on the recent earthquake in Mexico and someone said, look up Luke 21:25-26, eclipse on the 21, hurricane on 25 and flooding on 26. Wow. Refer to below and pick up your Bible or find one and read the rest of the chapter. Jesus is coming. We do not know the day and could be years. We are called to be ready as if today is the day. Don't not be ready. I need my family and friends to make sure they know these truths, that I believe and have seen in my own life and life of other believers. God is real. One day, maybe sooner than later, I will see my Gracie. And I would love for you all to meet her in Heaven. I want you all to be with me as we enter the gate and meet our heavenly Father. So I pray that you have read this with a open heart. I pray that if you don't believe, find someone who does, message me, and even pray right now for Jesus to come into your heart. Choose to believe. I choose to not let fear win anymore. Thank you, Lord, for the reminders of your truths this last week.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold[a] of my life;
    of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evildoers assail me
    to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
    it is they who stumble and fall.

3 Though an army encamp against me,
    my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
    yet[b] I will be confident.

4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
    that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
    and to inquire[c] in his temple.

5 For he will hide me in his shelter
    in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
    he will lift me high upon a rock.

6 And now my head shall be lifted up
    above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
    sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
    be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek[d] my face.”
My heart says to you,
    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”[e]
9     Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
    O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
    O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
    but the Lord will take me in.

11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
    and lead me on a level path
    because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
    for false witnesses have risen against me,
    and they breathe out violence.

13 I believe that I shall look[f] upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

Luke 21

The Coming of the Son of Man

25 “And there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth distress of nations in perplexity because of the roaring of the sea and the waves, 26 people fainting with fear and with foreboding of what is coming on the world. For the powers of the heavens will be shaken.27 And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 Now when these things begin to take place, straighten up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

Time continues with many blessings

Hello Everyone!

I don't write in this often, but do come back to it often. I come back to remember and relive. Today brings me to share what is on my heart though.

Five years ago today, we found out our little girl had passed. I don't like that the time I had with her is getting further away and that days are getting busier that I don't think of her as often. At the same time, I love how my life has moved on and that my days are so busy I barely remember if I ate or not. This blog helps me feel close to Gracie. I miss her so much. I miss that I am not taking her to kindergarten and going on field trips with her. I am sad that I don't know what she looks like at 5 years old. I have said this in many blog posts, as much as I hurt that she isn't here, I am at the same time thankful she felt no pain and no suffering. Gracie is with Jesus and nothing is better than that. I know I will see her again and get to hold her in my arms. This was a time in our lives that felt so unfair and sometimes still does. We have two little blessings named Austin and Gabe that heal the hurt and help life to continue moving. And we are about to add another blessing to our lives. God is good and I am so thankful to Him for what He has given to us. I am so thankful for Gracie and the short time she was here. She taught me a lot about my faith and helped me grow in my faith. 

Today I took the boys to Chick Fil A to play and have lunch. I wore a necklace my mom got me for one of Gracie's birthday. A little girl came into the play place and instantly started talking to me and she noticed my necklace right away and told me how beautiful it was. She then preceded to tell me how she was 5 years old. Wow, sweet angel God sent to me today. It made me think of Gracie and how she probably would comment on my jewelry and think it was beautiful. But God also gave me a sweet boy, Austin, who told me this afternoon my necklace was beautiful and that I was beautiful also. Here is a picture of the necklace.

I also wanted to share with you that tomorrow I have ultrasound and that hopefully baby will show us its gender. Of course I would love for baby to be a girl. As long as baby is healthy, than boy or girl would be wonderful.  I did a blood test to check for chromosomal abnormalities and it came back negative. Thank you Jesus. I can't help but still be a little nervous. I don't want any not good surprises. Please be praying for us tomorrow and I should be able to share tomorrow night the gender. I love that I have something exciting to look forward to on the day I gave birth to Gracie! It makes tomorrow bittersweet and I am good with that. 

I am always so thankful for you all and how you have prayed for us thru the years. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers and your encouragement. 

4 years ago...

4 years ago today I gave birth to an angel. Gracie Ann had already passed prior to this day, but today was the day I gave birth to her. One of the hardest things I have done. God has truly blessed me with 2 handsome wonderful boys since this day 4 years ago. 

I think about her every day and the sadness hasn't changed. I read a saying in one of the grief books or blogs 4 years ago, that the pain/sadness doesn't go away, we just make room for it in our heart to stay. This is what I have done. 

A few weeks ago, I went to the Nutcracker with girlfriends. I couldn't help but think that this is something I would be doing with Gracie. I wore the bracelet my mom gave me with her initials and other charms. I felt as if I was bringing her with me in spirit. I wish she was her with me to do these type of girl things with me. I am more than thankful though that she felt no pain and that she is healthy in Heaven. I know I will see her again and that keeps me going. 

I have seen others go through infant/child loss, but I have also found amazing stories of infants living with Trisomy 18 and anencephaly. Amazing stories! I continue to share my story, but I always love sharing the stories of the few that are defying the odds doctors give. Choose life, because you just don't know how God's decision is going to play out and we shouldn't decide that for our babies. We should let them and God write their stories. God never leaves us nor forsakes us, "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

I wrote in my blog today for those you might not have know me during this time and thought if you wanted to you could read past posts and see pictures of Gracie that I had shared. 

Also, Timehop has been a great reminder of all the encouraging words my friends and family shared with me. You were all a blessing to me during this time. Thank you. 

Baby Boy Update

10 days away from due date! Today I had my once a week appointment and for the last few I have been having to do a non-stress test (checking his heart rate). Doctors just want to make sure baby is doing good in there with his two vessel and extra fluid. Well, anyways found out today that my doctor and the perinatal doctor weren't going to let me go much longer, most likely induce next week. But, we also found out baby boy is transverse (sideways) and we could try to turn him. Although, he could most likely turn back with all the fluid in there, it is a painful to do especially since I am not dilated and it is something my doctor doesn't strongly recommend in week 38. So, Corey and I decided to just plan a c-section, which is scheduled for Tuesday, July 9 at 8:30am. We are so excited to have a date of meeting our boy. If he ends up being head down at the time, they will just induce me. I am great with either! Glad to have an end in sight...getting very uncomfortable with this huge and heavy belly. Please be in prayer for us and the arrival of our baby boy. And you never know...he could decide to come on his own before then.