6 years...

Wow, six years ago my sweet Gracie went to Heaven before she could even take a breath here on Earth. I feel sad that time is getting further away from the moments of feeling her move the little she did inside me and from the time that I got to hold her in my arms. I sometimes feel sad that there are days I didn't think of her as often as other days. I also know that is okay. A part of healing from a loss of loved of. I know that it doesn't mean I don't love her any less. It just means that God has blessed Corey and I beyond measure and we have 3 little guys that have filled our hearts with more love and the pain is there but not in the fore front. 

December 29 and 30 will always be marked with pain, but there is happiness, love, and peace. Today I kept busy with running errands with Austin. Tonight I went to friends house and hung out, while Corey had a game night at our house. It was a good day. Gracie's birthday in Heaven was a good day here. 

Last month, Corey and I went to visit her grave site with the boys. First time we told them about their sister. I never knew how to bring her up. We do have photos of her around in the house, so I knew someday they would wonder about the pictures. I want them to know about her. She is their sister and our first baby. Praying that doors will be opened to share more about her with them. A plus, we can't share about Gracie, without sharing about Jesus!

Below are some pictures of Gracie. Also, one of us. God is good. Without Him, life would be hard to live. Our faith carries us. 

Tiny baby girl

Gracie Ann

Blessed

The Lord Is My Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.[a]
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness[b]
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c]
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord
    forever.[g]

Do you know Jesus?

I write this out of love, out of obedience to my Lord and Savior, and out of fear. I don't speak up or speak out usually, but right now at 2am I feel very strongly that I can not be silence another second. I can't choose a life of faith and keep what is in my heart to myself. I love my friends and family too much for that. So continue reading or hit the X button. You choose.

In the last year, I have dealt with anxiety and mostly while driving. I was late to the driving world, didn't get my license till after my first year of college, maybe out of fear and have learned to be a confident driver. I actually really enjoy driving, but not lately. I have had a handful of panic attacks while driving alone and even with people in the car with me. It has been truly scary for me when it is happening. I have made it to my destination each time, except once, and you know I truly believe God took over and got me there. I would end up home or wherever I was headed shaken up, but I would arrive. With my heart racing and my body going numb, I would pray and I would sing worship songs as it was happening. I believe my faith got me home and I believe that is what gives me strength to keep getting in the car and not let fear of what could happen or if the next panic attack will happen. Although, I really could stop driving because at the same time the fear of the unknown or whatever happens in the moment feels so scary.

I lost my daughter. Gracie died inside of me and little bit of me died to, but my Father in Heaven is holding her and He has given me strength to move forward. He has given me the strength and courage to try again 3 times. The blessings have been overwhelming. My 3 sons, whom I love with all my heart, are walking testaments to my faith in the Lord. I was afraid of it happening again and who I am kidding I am afraid I could lose one of them still. I have felt His peace and joy. I was able to give birth to my stillborn daughter and hold her in my arms, show her off to my family and friends with a smile on my face. No way God was not present in those moments. He was there! I felt it. He got me through the hardest, heart shattering and sadest moment of my life. He has given me strength and courage to move forward and live my life. Read my journey on this blog.

This last year I have felt real fear though, as I mentioned above. Fear of driving and fear of what is in the news. This last Sunday's sermon was for me. It spoke to my heart and was a great reminder for myself, who has always believed in God. Psalm 27. I can't let my anxiety win if I am choosing to believe what is in Psalm 27. And I believe these words, refer below. Not going to lie, I have let my anxiety take over lately. Read the news. Sad and scary things happening. Again Psalm 27 I am believing. I do not need to be afraid. Jesus is coming! His word is truth. I am afraid though. I am afraid for my family and friends who do not believe in God. I am afraid for those that know His word but choose to not believe it. I am afraid for my Christian family and friends who have become accepting of things/lifestyles of this world, that are not of God, but seem to believe that these are okay. I am afraid to share this and be shamed for what I believe. But Jesus is coming. I can't be silent. I believe in Psalm 27. I do not need to be afraid.

Earthquakes, hurricanes, flooding...scary stuff. These scare me. This week, I am reminded of what I believe. Psalm 27. I was reading comments on the recent earthquake in Mexico and someone said, look up Luke 21:25-26, eclipse on the 21, hurricane on 25 and flooding on 26. Wow. Refer to below and pick up your Bible or find one and read the rest of the chapter. Jesus is coming. We do not know the day and could be years. We are called to be ready as if today is the day. Don't not be ready. I need my family and friends to make sure they know these truths, that I believe and have seen in my own life and life of other believers. God is real. One day, maybe sooner than later, I will see my Gracie. And I would love for you all to meet her in Heaven. I want you all to be with me as we enter the gate and meet our heavenly Father. So I pray that you have read this with a open heart. I pray that if you don't believe, find someone who does, message me, and even pray right now for Jesus to come into your heart. Choose to believe. I choose to not let fear win anymore. Thank you, Lord, for the reminders of your truths this last week.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold[a] of my life;
    of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evildoers assail me
    to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
    it is they who stumble and fall.

3 Though an army encamp against me,
    my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
    yet[b] I will be confident.

4 One thing have I asked of the Lord,
    that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
    and to inquire[c] in his temple.

5 For he will hide me in his shelter
    in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
    he will lift me high upon a rock.

6 And now my head shall be lifted up
    above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
    sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

7 Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
    be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek[d] my face.”
My heart says to you,
    “Your face, Lord, do I seek.”[e]
9     Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
    O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
    O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
    but the Lord will take me in.

11 Teach me your way, O Lord,
    and lead me on a level path
    because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
    for false witnesses have risen against me,
    and they breathe out violence.

13 I believe that I shall look[f] upon the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

Luke 21

The Coming of the Son of Man

25 “And there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth distress of nations in perplexity because of the roaring of the sea and the waves, 26 people fainting with fear and with foreboding of what is coming on the world. For the powers of the heavens will be shaken.27 And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 Now when these things begin to take place, straighten up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”